Hopefully you read my Chapter 2 blog that addressed my journey to getting pregnant. This blog is what came next.

You go most of your life trying to avoid getting pregnant. When it came time to try to get pregnant, I was pleasantly surprised that Trent and I got pregnant after our first month trying. I didn’t know what to expect the early stages of pregnancy to feel like. Obviously, it’s pretty easy to feel pregnant the further along you get, because you have a growing belly and can feel the baby kicking inside you.

The first few weeks of pregnancy I was getting terrible gas pains. The pain was so bad it sometimes brought me to tears and woke me up in the night. I had tailbone pain and I quickly realized I couldn’t let myself get hungry or I would have the fun experience of feeling hunger pains as well. (Even though I ate an hour earlier) I really just tried to take it one day at a time and listen to what my body was trying to tell me it needed. Nonetheless, I loved every second of being pregnant. I knew the different pains I was experiencing would all be worth it. They were proof that I had a growing baby inside me.

Trent and I attended our first doctor’s appointment on August 1st. The drive to the doctor’s office was rough for me. I was super nauseous by the time we got there (2 hour drive from our house) but I knew we were about to see our baby, and that allowed me to push through the pain to walk into the office. The doctor determined I was just shy of 8 weeks through the ultrasound. We got to see our little baby and hear the perfect sounding heartbeat. The doctor shared that the baby’s heartbeat was “nice and strong” at 158 bpm.

We left with our sonogram pictures in hand, and I’m sure I had a grin from ear to ear. Everything had just become so real. We were going to be parents. We just got to hear the heartbeat of a tiny little human inside of me. Half Trent and half me. At that moment, nothing mattered. I was living the life I had always dreamed of. I was married to the man of my dreams, and together we were going to be parents.

One morning I woke up and I just felt hollow. Not empty, not sick, but just hollow. I remember thinking “well, I am almost out of the first trimester, maybe I’m finally gonna stop feeling morning sickness.” I mentioned to Trent that I was a little worried about it, but I quickly reminded myself in my head that I had never been pregnant before, so I didn’t know what was “normal” to feel. I told myself to stop being negative.

As our 12 week appointment grew closer, I was conflicted with worry and excitement. As we waited in the doctor’s office, the worried feeling continued. I reminded myself that I was excited for this ultrasound because I knew the baby would actually look like a baby, and I knew this was the sonogram picture we would use to announce our pregnancy to the world. I wasn’t bleeding when I went pee, so everything was fine, right? Yet something in me continued to feel worried. As per usual, the doctor was running behind schedule, and I really had to pee. I finally approached the front desk to ask the ladies if there was any way I could pee now, before the doctor called me. They promptly took me to the back and allowed me to pee in the cup they do whatever with.

When I walked out of the bathroom, they told me to go get Trent from the lobby, and pointed to which room we would be in. As we waited in the small room, my worried feeling remained. It didn’t help that the room was pretty hot with no window or AC control to mess with. Trent looked at his phone and said “gosh, I thought we’d be out of here by now.” We were approaching an hour past our scheduled appointment time, and we still had not seen the doctor.

The doctor finally came in and apologized for the wait. She instantly noticed the uncomfortable temperature of the room, and asked if we minded if she left the door open? “There is no one really left here” she shared as she reopened the door. She asked me how I was feeling and I shared that I felt like I was finally turning the corner, because I was starting to feel better. She tucked a napkin into my pants and poured the ultrasound gel on my stomach. “Okay, you’ll see everything is fine now” I thought as she picked up the doppler and put it on my stomach.

As I shared, I was excited for this appointment, because I knew the baby would look like a baby. The second I saw a flash of the baby, I knew it. It looked the same size as it did at our first appointment, and I knew that wasn’t right. I instantly got hot (even more hot) and felt a lump forming in my throat. “She’s gonna say it, she’s gonna say it.” She moved the doppler around and Trent blurted out “I saw it!” In those three or four seconds, so much happened as my mind slowed it all down. Waiting, holding my breath, knowing, waiting for her to say it. “Oh.. we’re looking pretty small.. let me see..” She measured how small the baby was and I could sense she was nervous. It was coming. “She’s going to say it.” I could also sense Trent was starting to get nervous, although my eyes were glued to the screen and my body was tense. I wasn’t hearing anything, but with my last glimpse of hope, I told myself “well, maybe she has to hit the sound button. Maybe it doesn’t automatically play the audio of the heartbeat.” And then, she finally said it. “Ah, I am not detecting a heartbeat..” I could tell Trent was holding his breath from the gasp he let out. “I’m sorry.. the pregnancy isn’t viable. That could be why you started to feel better.”

This all transpired within a minute or two, but it felt like forever waiting for her to say what I knew she was going to say. I remember being worried about not making her uncomfortable, so I said “okay” with my eyes wide, still glued to the screen, purposely knowing if I broke my gaze and attention from the screen, it was going to make it real and I was going to react to the heart shattering words she just spoke. At this point, Trent had left his chair and was at my side as I laid on my back on the bed with my head turned away from him, peering at the screen, staring at my lifeless baby. I didn’t dare look at him, knowing there was no way I could look him in the eyes and not fall apart.

The doctor continued by apologizing and explaining if the pregnancy was viable, what we would be seeing on the sonogram. She turned off the ultrasound machine and walked to turn on the light as I sat up and wiped the gel off my belly. She began telling me my options and how there was no explanation, as there was nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this. “It just happens.” I stared at her as she talked, hearing absolutely nothing she was saying. I was in shock. Why in the hell do the worst things happen to me? I had a moment of absolute hate for the world. I thought about how I was going to walk out of the doctors office and ever be okay again. I even remember thinking “I have no freaking clue what you’re saying” as I stared at my doctor with my eyes wide and my breaths shallow. What words could I ever say to Trent to make this all make sense or convey the aching in my heart? Part of me wanted to apologize to him. Finally, I lost it. She excused herself and gave Trent and I the room. I wanted to fall into his arms and fall apart, but all I could think about was getting out of that doctor’s office. I was sad but also so angry. I needed to get my initial tears cleared, talk to the doctor about immediate next steps, and knew I would call back tomorrow with a review of my options.

Next, I had to decide how I was going to “have” this miscarriage. That can be found in Chapter 4.

-Kenz