They say after you hear your baby’s heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage goes down to 2%.

At our first doctors appointment at 8 weeks, we were able to hear our babies heartbeat. It was 158 BPM, which the doctor said was “good and strong.” Luckily, Trent was able to record a clip of the heartbeat during our first ultrasound. I am thankful he did, because it was such a special sound, that it would only ever be heard that once. However, now we have the audio recorded and we will cherish it forever.

When we left the doctors office after my D&C, we went to Build A Bear. We picked out the softest bear we could possibly find, knowing we would be cuddling the bear often. We played the recording of our babies heartbeat and the Build A Bear worker recorded it on a device that would go inside the bears hand. Then, Trent and I both held a heart in our hand. Squeezing the heart, we prayed. We both put our hearts inside the bear, the device that had the audio of baby’s heartbeat, and the worker sewed up “our baby bear” as we call it.

Ironically enough, the Build A Bear worker assisting us was named Sydney. Sydney is the name of my best friend of 15 years. As we were waiting to pay, there was a mom and her daughter in front of us. They shared with the cashier that they were buying their bear for a girl with a very similar name to the name we were planning to name our baby, if she was a girl. Trent chuckled and looked at me. “Did you hear the name they just said?” He told me and we both were again confident, that our angel baby was a girl and was sending us messages to assure us that she was still very much with us.

We often sleep with our baby bear or just cuddle it on hard days. In the left hand of the bear is the audio device. When you squeeze the hand, our baby’s heartbeat plays. It has been a way to bring us comfort and feel the presence of our first baby, who we will always talk about, and never stop missing.

In the days after my D&C, our family and friends brought us gifts and shared very kind words with us. Trent’s sister delivered beautiful flowers and a giftbag with two gifts inside. One was a quote about faith, which was so fitting for how we were and still are feeling. The other gift was a necklace with a mountain peak with the words “Best View” which is so fitting. The name of mine and Trent’s wedding song is “Hell Of A View” and when we are in the mountains, (which is often) the beauty makes us feel emotional and makes us feel close to our little angel babe.

If you ever experience pregnancy or infant loss, hopefully some of these are ideas you can use or can inspire a version of these ideas that you can make your own. Above all, please know you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and there is no amount of time that will make you miss your baby any less. Be gentle with yourself. ♥

-Kenz