This pregnancy hasn’t come without scares of it’s own. At our 13 week appointment, pending everything looking good and healthy, we planned on getting a blood test to find out the gender, and then announce our pregnancy on social media shortly after. The gender test is also the genetic testing, test. We didn’t want the genetic testing, we just wanted the gender. However, my doctor shared that legally if they find something in the genetic testing that shows any abnormality, they were going to have to tell us. Yes, most sane people just wait until their 20 week ultrasound to find out gender and avoid the genetic testing, but I am very impatient and of course wanted to know as soon as medically possible! The blood test for gender and genetics can be done anytime after 10 weeks and 1 day. At this appointment, I was going to be 13 weeks.

Trent and I usually make the last appointment of the day at 4:45pm. This allows for me to only have to leave work 45 minutes early, to make the 2 hour drive to our doctors office in Utah. (I live in Wyoming) When we got there, baby looked great! My blood pressure was high, but to me, this was justified. the 12-13 week appointment is when we were told baby El didn’t have a heartbeat, so naturally I was anxious. It was high enough that they were concerned and didn’t want to wait another 4 weeks to see me and test again. My doctor asked that I check it at home for awhile, and call back with the results to ensure they didn’t need to start me on blood pressure medication. I followed orders and thankfully all levels came back normal over a two week period of checking. While this isn’t something I was too worried about, it was enough to make Trent feel uneasy.

We weren’t able to do the blood test for gender/genetics because the lab was already closed for the day. (Downside of making late appointments) Living two hours away, my doctor wrote me an order to have the OB department in the hospital back home do the blood test for me. Again, because I am inpatient, I ordered “Sneak Peek” (an at home gender test kit) which was known for having overnight shipping and results back to you very quickly. I got the test kit in, took my blood, and sent it back. Anxiously awaiting the gender results, we tentatively planned a small gender reveal with our family. We planned to know the results ourselves, and the surprise would be for them.

I got an email from Sneak Peak with the test results. “Inconclusive” they read. With some garbage explanation of how that didn’t automatically mean there was something wrong with my baby. Like that was supposed to make me feel good. So, I texted Trent slightly afraid with these results, and cancelled the party that was supposed to happen that night. Trent and I decided we’d go have the doctor take the blood test at the local hospital, trying not to give too much merit to an at home test. To ease our worry, we also stopped by fetal fotos after the hospital to check on the baby’s heartbeat and make sure everything was okay. Both being anxious people to begin with, then our previous loss of baby El, we were both just feeling uneasy. Luckily at fetal fotos, the ultrasound showed that baby was doing great and the heartbeat was good and strong. Additionally, we were able to see the gender plain as day! A little boy that was very proud of his penis!

We ended up having the gender reveal for our family and posting our news on social media. Our secret was out and we received so much love from our friends and family. There were about an even number of guesses for boy and girl among everyone.

A few days later I got a call from a nurse at the local hospital that did the blood test. While I no longer really cared because we found out the gender later that day at fetal fotos, she of course called with words that once again.. struck worry. “Your results came back inconclusive so we’d like for you to come back in so we can redraw.” What in the ffff. Was the Sneak Peak test more than a fluke?? Was something actually wrong that wasn’t being obviously shown on the ultrasounds??

Trent and I discussed it and my appointment with my doctor was only a week away. We decided we would wait and ask her. I was worried, but I wouldn’t say I was losing sleep. We saw baby was good on the ultrasound at fetal fotos, so I wasn’t too worried. I chalked it up to just being a person with weird blood.

We attended our next appointment when I was 17 weeks with my regular doctor. Before she entered the room, Trent shared how he was finally starting to get over feeling nervous at each appointment, and he was starting to enjoy them, just a little. My doctor did an ultrasound (I get one at every appointment) and was able to confirm that baby was definitely a boy, and everything looked healthy! I then shared with her very casually that I apparently have weird blood, because two blood tests gave me inconclusive results. Thinking her response would be something like “Yup, you just have weird blood, that happens.” I was shocked when she showed some concern. “I don’t want to worry you, but that can be due to problems with the baby or the placenta.” And here we go again with things to worry about..

My body was hot and my mind was racing but also blank as I tried to ingest and understand the many medical possibilities she was listing off. While my initial response was panic and fear, seeing my little bug on that screen, hearing his heartbeat and measurements all being on track, a wave of calm came over me. To conclude our appointment, our doctor apologized and shared that it can also be a lab error and could be nothing! She reminded us that we didn’t want to know genetic testing in the first place, just gender. We now knew the gender, so she left the decision up to us on if we wanted to indulge in further testing or not.

By this time, I had thought through and processed a few different ideas in my head. Say there was something wrong with our little guy like down syndrome or trisomy 13. What did that really change in this moment or for the rest of pregnancy? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If something is wrong, we will make the changes necessary when he is born to accommodate his challenges, whatever they may be. Regardless, we weren’t going to love him or want him any less! I used some radical acceptance and again for some reason, my worry just seemed to fade and disappear. I just felt like God was calming me and showing me everything was going to be okay.

We left our appointment and stopped at Texas Roadhouse for dinner. Trent is very attentive to me and my feelings and always aims to make sure I am okay and taken care of. He was convinced with the appointment we just had, that I was spiraling internally as we waiting to be seated. And usually, he’d be right! He knows me well. However, I wasn’t and I had to reiterate to him many times, “honey, I really am okay. This is something that is out of our control. Baby boy has a heartbeat and is measuring healthy. That is what I will continue to focus on. I truly feel in my heart that everything is just fine with him.” As we took our seats and looked at the menu, our wedding song began to play over the loudspeaker in the restaurant. I don’t even remember which one of us did it, but one of us pointed up to the ceiling and said “listen…” That was the sign we needed to assure us that everything was absolutely going to be okay. ♥

On the way home and the days to follow, I did some research. What an inconclusive blood test can mean, what you can find through genetic testing vs the 20 week anatomy scan, etc. Ultimately, we decided we didn’t want to do further testing. Nothing was going to change the rest of our pregnancy and the love for our baby. We didn’t want the test results in the first place! At our 20 week anatomy scan, the ultrasound tech had zero concerns. Little guy was still measuring and developing great. This was another giant sigh of relief! He was in the 54th percentile and just one day behind my due date.

Could something still be wrong or develop between now and delivery? Sure. But am I going to let the “what if’s” take my control away? Absolutely not. We have gained a serious appreciation for the miracles that are babies. Life is full of tests. Every decision you make is testing you, your morals, and your beliefs. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond, and I find power in that. Our journey to starting our family has been anything but easy. But I know that regardless of what comes next, I have the best man by my side to face it with, and the best man and angel baby above guided it all. When we get to hold our sweet boy in 14 weeks, I know it will all have been worth it.

-Kenz