What I was worried about happening, happened.

Our first “cycle” trying to conceive after our miscarriage, and we did not get that positive test on 12 DPO like I thought we would. Instead, my period began. Why? Why did we get pregnant so easily the first time? I tracked ovulation and did everything the same way we did it last time, so why do all the tests say negative? Is this going to be the start of us struggling to get pregnant? I have so much anger and sadness all at once. I was already pregnant.. We weren’t supposed to have to go through the tracking and testing process again until we had a 2 year old and were trying for our second baby.

I guess I also let the words of others slip into my brain. “After a miscarriage you’re really fertile, you’ll get pregnant again quick!”

But I was pregnant. I did have a baby.. she was due in March. My perfect timeline.. So again, my thoughts drift back to that damn timeline. The past that felt so perfect in the moment of seeing that positive test. The pain of my miscarriage immediately has creeped back into my head. Suddenly I’m consumed by sadness and loss again. I just miss my baby. If I was still pregnant with her, I wouldn’t be feeling the sadness I am feeling now. Will I ever get to have the joy and experience of being pregnant again? The thoughts are endless and painful to consider.

I haven’t yet posted about the specifics of my grief. As you can tell, anger is a large part of grief for me. Typically, I’m not an angry person. I get frustrated, sure. But true anger isn’t something I feel very often. Therefore, it has been a very new emotion to feel as I have carried my grief. If you know anything about emotions, you know that anger is a secondary emotion, and is typically sadness.

Baby’s are miracles and miracles take time. I know this. However, that doesn’t make it hurt any less and it doesn’t make me any less sad. This sucks, and I am going to let myself feel that “suck” because I deserve to be genuine to how I am feeling.

Oh so conveniently, it’s the middle of the week, so there is no time and no room to be sad and feel my feelings. Aside from my busy daily work schedule, I then had 3 meetings scheduled after work. Usually I power through just about anything, regardless of what’s going on and the severity. Today, after my first meeting of fighting back tears and getting dizzy spells from holding my breathe, I texted a colleague to let him know I would not be attending the third meeting. I hardly ever put myself first, and today I decided to choose me. So after my second meeting that I was unable to talk in due to my tears building and tolerance level dropping, I drove home and sat in my car outside my house for 10ish minutes. Wiping the tears from my face that I had been holding back all day, it took every ounce of energy I had left to walk from the car to my house. I finally made it and I have been sulking in sadness ever since. (Just as I deserve)

Please know that feeling is healing. Let yourself feel whatever you’re trying to suppress and hold back. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time.

Tomorrow is a new day and while todays sadness will cary over, I know I will be okay. Here’s to hoping our next cycle ends in a positive test. I know our angel in heaven has teamed up with God to pick our rainbow baby. I guess they’re just waiting for the perfect one.

-Kenz