As a social worker and school counselor, grief is something that comes up a lot in session with students. I feel confident that I provide them with comfort and support, but it has always been difficult for me, because I know there is nothing I can say or do to change the loss. They just have to give themselves the space to feel what they’re feeling, and that is hard for some of them to understand.

I am fortunate that I have not had anyone close to me die. I don’t do well with change and I don’t do well with small loss, so I know that when someone close to me does die, I am going to struggle.

The extreme sadness I felt after losing my baby scared me. I didn’t recognize myself. I have worked really hard to become the women that I am, so when I started having thoughts of questioning who I was, I started to get scared. I started to understand that through my grief, I was starting to lose myself. As I attempted to understand my grief, I realized I wasn’t losing myself, but rather I was changing. Changing into a different version of myself. I was now a mom without a baby. A women who is now, and forever will be, carrying grief.

Feeling like anything but myself, that scared feeling of depression and anger drove me to want to understand my grief and myself. I have always been very in tune with my emotions, but the association my feelings had with loss, I had never experienced before. I feel that we are all on a never ending journey of self discovery, because we are always adapting, changing, and learning from what life throws at us. With that mentality, I started journaling and reading about grief.

The week I found out I was pregnant, I bought a journal. This journal was set up in a way that was writing to my baby as she grew, week by week, documenting our journey of growth together. Each week there was a bible verse and lines to journal. At the end of each month, there was a place to add in my bump pictures. I made it to week 11 before my journals were no longer to a growing baby, but now an angel of God. I had the intentions of sharing the journal with her when she was old enough to understand, hoping it was something she could share with her own kids some day.

Journaling to my angel has made me feel just as close to my baby as writing to her before. Trent also wrote to her, which you hopefully read in Chapter 8. The pages since our baby has become an angel, include pictures and stories of our grief and how much we miss her, and always will.

Additionally, I had a book recommended to me that has been amazing! The book “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” has really helped me to understand my grief and grief in general. In fact, I think reading the book has helped me help Tessa in her loss. If you have experienced any kind of loss, this book is for you! Really, everyone should read this book, because if we as a society can better understand loss, than we can better support those experiencing grief and loss.

Things I have learned through the book include that grief is not something to “get through” or “move past” like people make it seem. If you don’t “move on” quick enough, then something is wrong with you and now you’ve got to “get over it” because “it has been months or years.” WRONGO! Grief is something that doesn’t go away. Now that doesn’t mean we’re sad every day for the rest of our lives. It means that we find a way to carry our grief with us, while still managing to find light and joy in the world. The two can absolutely co exist. Learning this was life changing for me. Having the validation that I can continue to be sad and miss my girl, but still experience the joy in everyday life brings me peace.

I have also learned that grief makes others uncomfortable, which is why there is this misunderstanding that we must move on and get rid of grief. If we are always sad, then there is something wrong with us and we’re grieving for “too long” and that makes others uncomfortable. Well, I am here to say, that grief can be selfish, AND THAT IS OKAY. There is no timeline to follow. My grief is about me and my husband right now. If telling you that “I need space” offends you, that is your problem, not mine. I feel 100% supported by my family and friends, although I have chosen to avoid them all. I have a new level of anxiety these days, and being alone or with my husband is what I need. I will not apologize for that. I put others before me daily. This is a time that I need to make decisions for me and my wellbeing, on my terms. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is just silly.

I lost my baby 2 months ago, and I still don’t want to be in a situation where I have to make small talk with people. If they ask me how I am doing or if I am okay, saying no makes them uncomfortable. So do I just say I’m okay? (No.. I just avoid them all!) But truthfully, if I am going to heal and understand my grief, I am going to be honest and not be ashamed. This is something I have been working on. Rather than answering “how are you” with an answer to make them feel better, I answer with the truth. Sometimes the truth is “I’m okay” and sometimes it’s “I’m really struggling.” Both of these answers are okay. It has been difficult for me, but I am not going to lessen my feelings for the comfort of others, because I lost my baby. It is more than okay, that I am not okay sometimes. So, I would like to challenge you to do the same. Be genuine to how you’re feeling. You deserve it!

All in all, grief is yours. Listen to what your heart and your head are telling you that you need. There is no right or wrong, there is no timeline. You have to do what is best for you. Those who truly support you and love you will understand.

-Kenz