Pregnant. With a whole ass human baby. While I can feel his wiggles and kicks, I often have to stop myself and remember that isn’t just IBS invading my body from the cheese I devoured. That is my little boy in there!

Today I am 25 weeks pregnant. Similar to my pregnancy with Baby El, weeks 8-13 were rough. I was nauseous all day everyday, with the exception of a handful of hours in some of the days. (I don’t know if that even makes sense?) But truth be told, nothing made me happier than being sick for those 4 weeks. Because what was worse? Being sick and knowing it was because I was pregnant, or feeling good and being worried all day it’s because I was experiencing another miscarriage?

While I felt so much joy and relief to know I was pregnant again, I was not prepared for how much anxiety and worry would fill my days. Any “off” feeling deemed “off” by my overactive mind would send me into a downward spiral. I would be worried and crying that something was wrong, debating on telling my husband that I was scared, because I didn’t want him to also be scared. I never realized how alone and isolated I would feel getting pregnant again after our loss. But looking at it all again, pregnancy can be isolating all together. Be a past loss or not.

Even now, at 25 weeks, if I don’t feel my little guy move in the first few hours I am awake, I am reaching for that doppler to check on his heartbeat. Luckily, he’s gotten to be quite active, so the need for the doppler has started to diminish. For anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I would recommend getting a doppler. Having one to check in on baby has been a big relief for Trent and I between each appointment. His movements are always a sign of comfort for me. Because Trent can’t feel anything himself, he checks in daily asking if baby has moved today, which is what he needs to hear to feel reassured as well. He’s already a great daddy. ♥

All together, we have made it to 25 weeks which is a blessing! Each appointment still comes with a lot of anxiety, but we are taking it one day at a time. When I get to see his sweet face on the ultrasound, it’s like I can breathe again. Each day that passes, I am so thankful to be pregnant with our little bug.

There are always things to worry about in life and pregnancy alike. I have tried really hard to empower myself to choose positive thoughts, reminding myself that thoughts aren’t facts. This has aided me in keeping the worry at bay. Each day we grow closer to meeting our sweet rainbow baby and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. We love him so much already.

-Kenz